In the weeks following the delivery, I had feelings of over-all failure and disinterest in everyday life, the pinnacle being me not wanting to get out of bed in the morning. It was because of this I made the decision to talk to my doctor about getting help. I was then started on Zoloft to help bring me through the depression.
Having never been on anti-depressants before, I did not realize that it wasn't a quick fix. I thought you take the pill and ta-da! You're happy. No, not the case at all. It takes about four weeks to actually get to a "therapeutic range,"so in the mean time you still deal with symptoms of depression and stress.
I'm about two weeks in and while waiting for things to improve, its left me scrambling to fill the void with other things. So, I make things and I blog and I play with the kids and I hold my baby, but still I feel I need an outlet; something that's just for me.
Chris and I were talking about it yesterday. You see, he has "nerd night" where he plays Starcraft with his buddies online. It's his time to just be with the guys and do something fun for him. I think that its great and part of me wishes that there was something like that for me. Chris has been encouraging me to find what it is I enjoy doing and make time for it, but I make excuses and find a thousand reasons why I just can't.
In the past, I did have things that were just for me but then life happens and being a responsible adult happens and its easy for me to get caught up in the routine rather than the enjoyment of life. There are so many things I enjoy doing, but often times I discount their importance because it's fun. For some reason fun equals not working hard enough in my mind. Ridiculous I know, but there it is, a really crazy mindset I need to readjust.
The funny thing is, its those things I chalk up to laziness that make me feel like a well-balanced person.
One thing I really would like to take time to do again is paint. I love to paint with watercolors, but with little ones, it's hard to get them out and do something uninterrupted. The other obstacle is, at the end of the day when the kids are in bed, I'm tired and have so little left in the tank to devote to painting. It's something that I really want to remedy!
It might help to make art again, so I want to try. When I was younger, I'd go through times of depression and making art would help. If I was particularly "down" my Mom would even ask me if I created something lately. Sure enough, if I'd sit down and make some art I would start to feel better. I love to make things and paint things and I really want to make time to do it again.
So, what spurred these feelings? I was going through my pictures this week, pulling photos aside to be printed and I came across some pictures of my old watercolor paintings from college. It's been nearly 9 years since I graduated and still, seeing the art makes me want to get my paints out and create. I might give it try. Maybe it will help!
I'd like share with you some of my work.